How do i stop apologizing for everything?

I knocked over my own tote bag at the pharmacy last week and said “sorry” to the shelf. The shelf. The pharmacist laughed, which somehow made me say it again - “sorry.” On the walk home I wondered how many apologies I’d fired off that day. Six? Ten? I opened the Notes app, started counting, and quit at fifteen. If your mouth keeps tossing out apologies like confetti, you know the feeling: drained, annoyed at yourself, and still unsure how to stop.

Below is a play-by-play that’s worked for me and friends who live with social anxiety. No hype, no magic affirmations. Just stuff you can test out this week.

map your auto-sorry moments

First step is pure data gathering. For the next two days, track every time “sorry” pops out. Don’t judge it - just note:

• What happened?

• Who did you say it to?
• How necessary was it, on a 1–5 scale?

  By the end of Day Two you’ll notice patterns: maybe you apologize most when someone bumps into you, or when you talk in meetings, or whenever there’s silence longer than two seconds. Seeing the pattern on paper kills 50 % of the shame. It’s suddenly a circuit, not a personality flaw.

  swap words, not your whole personality

  You can’t quit a habit by yelling “STOP IT” at yourself. Easier: keep talking, just use different words.

  1. Thanks > sorry

• “Thanks for waiting” instead of “Sorry I’m late.”

• Gratitude feels friendly, not submissive.

2. Wow / oh / dang > sorry

• If someone reveals bad news, say “Oh wow, that sucks” rather than “I’m so sorry, I’m terrible, should’ve prevented the meteor.”

3. Silence > filler

• Nine times out of ten, people move right on. The world keeps spinning in silence; who knew?

Yes, it feels weird. That’s the point. Keep a scorecard. When you nail a swap, give yourself an imaginary sticker. Gamification, but make it low-key.

run tiny social experiments

A giant “no-sorry” challenge will backfire. Go micro:

• Grocery checkout experiment: say one genuine apology if needed, then clamp it for the rest of the line.

• Slack experiment: before hitting Enter, delete the word “sorry” once per day.
• Friend experiment: tell one close friend you’re working on this and ask them to nudge you when they hear an unnecessary apology.

  Treat it like testing a new phone case - low stakes, repeatable. After a week, your brain starts offering quieter alternatives before “sorry” reaches your lips.

  build confidence in your body first

  Apologies often fly out because our bodies feel small. Give yours a quick firmware update:

  1. Feet flat, shoulder-width when you talk.

2. Deep belly breath while the other person responds.

3. Meet eyes for one extra beat after you finish speaking.

Do these even if your voice still squeaks. The body cues send a memo to your nervous system: “We’re safe, chill.” Fewer fear signals, fewer reflex apologies.

wrap-up: keep the good apologies

The goal isn’t to become a stone statue that never admits fault. Real apologies - when you stepped on someone’s shoe, hurt feelings, spilled oat milk on a laptop - still matter. The mission is to stop losing life points over things that don’t need fixing.

So here’s the quick recap you can screenshot:

1. Track every “sorry” for 48 hours.

2. Swap “thanks,” “oh,” or silence in the top triggers.

3. Run one tiny experiment per context: checkout, chat app, friend.

4. Anchor confidence in your body.

Do this for two weeks and watch your apology counter drop. The pharmacist may even miss the old you who apologized to shelves. You won’t.