How can i stop comparing myself to more confident people?
i’m in line for coffee, again, questioning my entire existence
Barista calls out “flat white for Maya” and the woman in front of me glides up like she owns the planet. Perfect posture, eye contact, zero stutter. Meanwhile I’m rehearsing “Hi, oat latte please” like it’s opening night on Broadway. My brain’s greatest pastime? Comparing me to that stranger, my coworker, the loud dude on TikTok. Spoiler: it never ends well.
If you’ve got social anxiety, the whole world can feel like a never-ending talent show where you’re stuck backstage looking for the exit. Let’s change the script.
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you’re not weird for watching the room
Our brains are wired to scan for social rank. Caveman stuff. It kept us from getting kicked out of the tribe and eaten by wolves. The problem is Instagram doesn’t come with wolves, just filters and humblebrags. Remember:
- Your mind collects highlight reels from everyone else and blooper reels from you.
- Confidence looks louder than it is. Many “alpha” types crash just as hard when the party ends.
- The people you fear are usually too busy thinking about themselves to grade you.
Tiny experiment: next time you feel that stomach drop, ask yourself, “What’s the actual evidence they’re judging me?” Nine times out of ten, you’ll find nothing concrete - just vibes. Vibes aren’t facts.
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zoom out: everyone’s a mess sometimes
Flashback to that coffee line. Twenty minutes later I spotted “flat-white Maya” outside, ripping her paper cup sleeve into confetti, shoulders tight. Maybe she’d just bombed a presentation. Point is, we only saw each other’s surface.
Try this: pick three “confident” people you know. Privately write one thing you’ve seen them struggle with - sweaty palms during meetings, avoiding phone calls, whatever. Keep the list. It proves the myth of permanent confidence is, well, a myth.
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run quick reality checks
Comparisons feel automatic, but you can interrupt them like spam calls. Here are three reality checks that genuinely work:
1. The two-question pause
• “What do I admire in them?”
• “Where am I already growing in that direction?”
The second question flips envy into a roadmap.
2. The ‘unenroll’ button
Social media sparks most of the mess. Unfollow, mute, or set a 10-minute timer before doom-scrolling. Less exposure = fewer comparisons. Radical, I know.
3. The mirror friend test
Say what you’re thinking about yourself out loud, but pretend you’re talking to a friend. If it sounds mean, it’s mean. Rewrite it until it’s something you’d actually tell them.
Stick these on a post-it. Muscle memory kicks in after a week or two.
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stack micro-wins until confidence feels inevitable
You don’t become that coffee-line goddess overnight. Confidence builds like XP in a video game - tiny actions, repeated. Try stacking:
- Ask one cashier how their day is going.
- Share one idea in a meeting, even if your voice cracks.
- Join a hobby group where nobody knows your “shy” label.
Every small win is a receipt. Keep them in a “brag folder” on your phone. Screenshot praise, jot down moments you spoke up, whatever. On bad days, scroll that folder instead of TikTok influencers. Proof beats feelings.
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conclusion: drop the scoreboard, keep the curiosity
Comparison isn’t a personality trait; it’s a habit, and habits can be swapped out. Trade “Why am I not them?” for “What can I learn here?” The first drains you, the second fuels you.
Next time you’re in line and the human spotlight spins your way, picture the wolves. No one is kicking you out of the tribe. Order your oat latte, shaky voice and all. Each time you do, the scoreboard fades a little more, and you get your life back - sip by sip.
Written by Tom Brainbun